LINES FOR A TOILET WALL

Another thing I can do really well.

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 19:41:01 -0500

Another thing I can do really well.

"Is that you with the bullshit on repeat?"

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 02:44:25 -0500

“Is that you with the bullshit on repeat?”

- DM, from downstairs via text, circa 2006.

slaughterhouse90210: “Can’t repeat the past?…Why of course you...

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 18:54:00 -0500

slaughterhouse90210:

“Can’t repeat the past?…Why of course you can!”
— F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

me: do you happen to know
of a psychological condition
or just some psych jargon way
to talk about someone who believes their life occurs in cycles
and all events are repeats or exact reverses of previous events in their life?

Thanksgiving prep casualties so far at the hand of forgotten salt: a spray of dried orange peel, a...

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 23:38:00 -0500

Thanksgiving prep casualties so far at the hand of forgotten salt: a spray of dried orange peel, a cup of sugar, an egg, a dang egg yolk, potentially an entire pie crust (I swear I put salt in it but IT’S BEEN THAT KIND OF DAY). Oh and the small fry of four entire cups of whole pecans. Which at Whole Foods on this Eve of All Grocery Stores Are Closed Because You All Need to Plan Better was 9.99/lb, a fiscal burden lifted by Dad-age produce guys being especially helpful about their being out of pearl onions but re-laden with the emotional encumbrance of overhearing Dad-age produce guys talk lasciviously about being especially helpful to me and still more so after realizing I won’t be cooking brussels sprouts for my dad or my mom or my brother or Jennie or their cool new dog. Cumulative day equals sign: I wish I was home (2 years in a row) but plane tickets are so expensive especially what with all the polar bears falling from … heaven?

NPR did a quick fact-check note on that video this afternoon (European flights do use a lot of fuel; so do cross-American-country flights), which annoyed me almost as much as having three people share that video on Reader. (Plane Stupid: I don’t give a fuck.) Then I had to go back to the grocery store to buy the second-to-last bottle of corn syrup and some Worchestershire sauce because last summer when I was moving karma I guess came around and stole all of my only-used-once-a-year condiments. You win, karma. Me at Stop&Shop, 8pm on Thanksgiving Eve with 350 other people all buying Karo. I always get a tiny thrill when the processed nature of my grocery list requires that I go to a grocery store besides Whole Foods. Tonight the thrill got topped when I came out to my car and found a 40-page flag catalog stuffed on my windshield. I saw the old guy doing the stuffing and assuming he was Jerry of Jerry’s Flag Shop, he really should have known better. Or maybe subconsciously, he should have at least felt some exceptionally strong aversion to placing huge catalogs of flags on windshields in the steady drizzle.

I walked across the yard with my groceries, flipping through the limp catalog, stunned. Who would buy a flag? Is there a market? Can you do enough business to own a physical shop? Is there a holiday spike in flag sales? Am I considering buying the Eritrea flag for a good friend?

I wish I was in Pennsylvania. Or eating some madeleines.

tanner: oh man there are rumors all over the graduate business college that this other guy and myself live in this lab. someone actually reported us to the police

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 22:59:20 -0500

tanner: oh man there are rumors all over the graduate business college that this other guy and myself live in this lab. someone actually reported us to the police

Photo

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 22:56:33 -0500

It’s a new goddamn old day.

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 00:56:00 -0500

It’s a new goddamn old day.

This is my department chair of optimism. It’s by my...

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 21:13:00 -0500

This is my department chair of optimism. It’s by my window. It’s my method of contrapuntal living, allowing the surprising dynamics of human history to dramatize the latencies in a prior figure or form that suddenly illuminate the present.

I do not need another Beach House season of my life.

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:00:21 -0500

I do not need another Beach House season of my life.

It’s really difficult to take photos of your neighbor...

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 16:37:24 -0500

It’s really difficult to take photos of your neighbor riding a horse if you’ve never done it before and if your camera is stubborn and if you didn’t wear a coat and also if you’re a member of the Facebook group “The Only Thing Worse Than Horses Are Horse-Lovers.”

Depends

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 16:30:59 -0500

andrea: i just got out of the shower
are you ready or?
luke and ryan are at wickenden pub
but they want to meet us at the gcb
me: ok wherever
me: are we all going to wear our pants
andrea: haha
just trying to sort that out
currently, i am wearing pants
oh wait
you mean
are we going to have an orgy?

The girl who lives above me parks beside me and uses a Club. It’s our two cars, married,...

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 02:32:19 -0400

The girl who lives above me parks beside me and uses a Club. It’s our two cars, married, residing in a small fit of blacktop. Does that mean I should get a Club? It’s hers or mine. And my windows are tinted darker. Could someone even see a Club in there? If her car is older, does that mean it’s more susceptible to theft? I have a funny key system. Is that a deterrent? Will my car get stolen because hers is too much trouble? Will my windows get smashed for the old Sondre Lerche CD in the passenger seat? Wait until the 50th listen. It’s not Jens Lekman.

The Great Lou Rawls.This Song Is Unforgettable.The People Crying...

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 21:18:07 -0400

The Great Lou Rawls.This Song Is Unforgettable.The People Crying Are Models.We’ve All Cried For Love.That’s Why This Song Is So Hard To Forget.Thanks Lou.Your Music Will Live Forever.

I have been painting the kitchen today. I am cognizant I am...

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 20:09:00 -0400

I have been painting the kitchen today. I am cognizant I am painting over previously painted wallpaper. It’s probably not going to be the worst. There are only a few places where the wallpaper is peeling off, or falling off, or whatever wallpaper does when it wants to be noticed again. Good fucking luck, wallpaper. I’m just painting on top of you.

This photo is from this one time I went to watch the sunset by myself. I stood around watching other people watching the sunset or their phones or their kids petting other people’s dogs. Then I biked home. Then two hours later what I could see of the sky from behind the neighborhood giants had turned bright orange. How do you know a sunset’s going to be a sunset? And how do you know when it’ll erupt?

It’s summer and it won’t stop drizzling. I think I’m in heaven.

"When your teacher asks you to compare cats, dogs, birds, and fish, don’t even think of comparing..."

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 20:12:26 -0400

“When your teacher asks you to compare cats, dogs, birds, and fish, don’t even think of comparing them in terms of which makes the best pet. That’s way too obvious. Instead, compare them in terms of which makes the best food for humans when roasted, which would provide the most help to a firefighter, or which has the most interesting body-structure for an artist to represent in an oil painting.”

- From “A bit of essay advice,” Dorothy Stephens via email to class, April 14, 2004.

I dreamed that I picked up Barack Obama like a new bride and slung him into a swimming pool. He was...

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 17:25:44 -0400

I dreamed that I picked up Barack Obama like a new bride and slung him into a swimming pool. He was wearing Wayfarers. When he got out snow overtook the surface of the pool. People were shaking his hand and stroking his face. I asked him if he had gotten used to people wanting to touch him. He said no.

Hanging with my girlfriend. THIS DRESS WILL NEVER DIE.

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 13:50:18 -0500

Hanging with my girlfriend.

THIS DRESS WILL NEVER DIE.

Weekend plans: going to where its fucking . . . alright.

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 22:04:00 -0500

Weekend plans: going to where its fucking . . . alright.

You guys! This will never fool the bosses!!

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 18:37:00 -0500

Derk sent me to Readatwork today, which I guess has been around for a while but since I’m in graduate school and not cubicle school, I wasn’t in the WSJ loop back in May, when they ran this piece about a similar site. The comments are especially precious. The utilitarian nature of the complaints lends itself well to understanding how people might convince themselves they’ll never get caught doing whatever they have to do besides cubicle work. If you take a site like this as anything but an experiment in literary form, there is no goddamn telling what else you’ll wholeheartedly believe. But it’s probably something about downloading sex at work without getting caught.

BLINGEE BLINGEE BLINGEE

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 00:08:00 -0500

BLINGEE BLINGEE BLINGEE:

Bling Bling Brazilian Wax also known as a crystal-tattoo bikini wax will make it sparkle! After we remove all the hair and make it bare we will apply a heart, or a butterfly, or your partner’s initials, or whatever shape you desire, made of crystals. The crystal tattoos last about 4-6 days, and are a sure-fire way to surprise that special someone this upcoming holiday season. The “bling after waxing” gives a whole new meaning to “making the holidays shine!”

According to Dannielli, senior esthetician at Suddenly Slimmer Spa aka “The Queen Of Waxing”, brides ask for the crystal tattoos to surprise their husbands on their wedding night. Lately, many soldiers’ wives ask for this service in time for their husbands’ arrivals from the Middle East, usually during the holidays. Nowadays, women ask for it to give something unexpected to their partners “…and some just ask for (the service) to feel like a million bucks!” Dannielli added.

OH WHAT A HOOT! There are so many potent cultural threads to pull out of this, mostly in the second paragraph where we attempt to create consumer desire for impermanent, “tattooed” crystals on ladystuff. Implied within the bridal appeal: he’s seen your cooter, he’s seen your bald cooter, but he ain’t never seen your cooter with little diamonds on it! I thought by this point we’d hit a saturation point with women loving shiny things and being equated with shiny frivolous things, but a blingy landing strip manages to drip a little more. Then there’s the patriotic hue, where we reference to the Middle East when I’m pretty sure the politically correct term is Sumeria. More important than all that gender, geo-political nonsense, though: let’s talk logistics. Not that things get lost in my ‘stuff all that often, but I also don’t play with tiny plastic adornments that fall off after 4 days. I feel like this is a bad investment, but given the bling and the novelty, I think I would still go for my stand-by waxing silhouette: $. Big and blingy, all towering over my business. What would you get?

Huge props to TV for the conversation fodder. Related video: